


Incomplete

by mattzerella_sticks



Series: Season 14 Inspired [29]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Apologies, Canonical Character Death, Caring Mary Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural) Has Self-Worth Issues, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Coda, Episode: s14e18 coda, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mary Winchester Feels, Pain, Post-Episode: s14e18 Absence, Sad Castiel (Supernatural), Sad Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 01:23:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18436124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattzerella_sticks/pseuds/mattzerella_sticks
Summary: Cas tried to comfort Dean earlier, when Mary's body burned a few feet away. Sam stopped him.They came home. Sam wasn't there, and Cas stumbled upon Dean back in the kitchen. What can he say to the hunter he failed that will make up for what his silence caused? Can he even say anything? Duma was right about them... they're incomplete as they are now. There are words swirling around the surface he still can't see, and the longer they stay unspoken the less whole he feels.He's been searching for so long to do right by the Winchesters - by Dean - but what if all he needed to do was much simpler?Coda to 14x18 "Absence"





	Incomplete

**Author's Note:**

> Man the grief of that episode. I knew Mary was gonna... but then the episode had me thinking... but I was right all along. So much!!! And the promo mislead us! Glad to see Sam talk Dean from the ledge, but we need that good Dean and Cas talk.
> 
> So here it is!

            Cas watches Dean drink his fourth beer from behind the kitchen doorway, hidden by the shadows. He stumbled upon his hunter ten minutes ago, his legs restless but unwilling to leave the Bunker’s walls. Seeing Dean there was not surprising, he always found his way back into this space whenever the weight was too heavy to bear. But it hadn’t even been an hour since he and Sam said they were turning in for the night. Cas figured he would have more time before crossing paths with the elder Winchester, so he could better prepare for when next they met. Now he has the chance to speak, but there’s nothing he can say. He’s rooted to the spot, held back not by Sam but by his own hesitation.

            But Cas should know by now, life never gives him enough time.

            “You just gonna stand there or what?” Dean barks out, startling Cas out of his thoughts. His grip on the frame tightens, eyes widening. Dean turns his head slightly, meeting his gaze. “You gonna try and make it better? Like before? C’mon,” he gestures him closer with the bottle, “nothing’s stopping you now. Give it your best shot.”

            His mind has nothing, but his legs move like it does. Cas floats his way over to Dean, his hand hovering over Dean’s shoulder before ultimately deciding not to take the plunge. Instead he places it on the table and drags it to where he sits. Dean’s stare haunts him the entire way over.

            “What?” Dean asks, chuckling, “Nothing to say?”

            Cas squints at him, frowning. “I… I don’t know what to.” Sighing, he shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe I should start with sorry –“

            “You don’t have to, Cas –“

            “Dean, I know this is my fault –“

            “No, Cas,” Dean speaks over him, eyes large and dewy, “It’s… it’s not on you. Blame falls on me… on all of us.” The bottle swiftly returns to his mouth, and Dean finishes it off in seconds. It joins the others with a clatter.

            He’s confused. Before, Cas thought he knew Dean’s pain but… each interaction proves any chance of understanding his hunter flies farther and farther away from his grasp. “But I…” he says, “My silence, the _snake_ –“

            “Drop the snake talk, Cas!” Dean hisses, “Christ, why can’t you just take my apology?”

            “Because I don’t _deserve_ it.” Cas blinks at the raw emotion coating his voice, Dean as surprised as him by the display. “I don’t… deserve it,” he repeats in a whisper, “Dean, I failed you –“

            “You didn’t fail me, Cas,” Dean says, “You _never_ do… but all of us, _we_ failed Jack.”

            Cas draws back, ducking his head. He wrings his hands together as he processes Dean’s words. His heart hurts at what he said, but it also warms. Even after his selfish and cowardly acts, Dean still has _faith_ in him. Momentary lapse aside, Dean never fully gives up on Cas even if all he does is give him reason to do so. His venomous barb, “you’re dead to me”, stung. But as the wound festered Cas could tell Dean didn’t mean it. His response was that of a cornered animal with no chance at escape. With time, he licked his scars and slinked over to Cas’s side once more. Like it’s where he belongs. As if they carved spaces for each other, and when they’re empty the world loses color.

            He’s reminded of Mary, a conversation they had what felt like centuries ago. Driving back from a vampire hunt, silence reigned within the cabin of his truck. Mary focused on the passing scenery, leaning against the window. Cas kept his hands on the wheel, fingers twitching every so often as if to turn on the music. He always flinched away no matter how close he came to the knob.

            Mary spoke up. “There are things that I’ve had to get used to; that I’m… coming around to.”

            Cas glanced at her. She hasn’t moved. “What do you mean?”

            “I saw a different kind of life for my sons before my death,” she said, “plans that were the product of my time and upbringing. I didn’t want them to grow up like me, to be hunters… but I came back, and I adjusted. My boys are _heroes_. But there was still a part of me that hoped maybe they’d find a way out. Maybe do what I did and settle down…”

            He frowns. “I’m having trouble following –“

            “I’ve been gone nearly forty years but everything I thought I knew flew out the window,” Mary continued, “About my boys… about the _world_. People are able to choose the lives they want for themselves; fight for their happiness with _pride_. Back in the past you’d never see that so widely accepted.”

            Cas turned to her again. Mary finally looked at him, expression soft and hopeful. “That’s… I still don’t get what that has to do with me.”

            “Just because I’m still learning doesn’t mean I don’t accept you, Castiel,” Mary said, “I _see_ you. I see you with my boys, with _Dean_. He… they don’t need me. Haven’t for a while. But they want me, and they have me. But you… you’re who they need.”

            Cas swallowed down the bile in his throat, Mary’s kind words everything he wanted to hear but can’t agree with. “Thank you,” he said.

            He felt her stare still on him. “I mean it,” Mary told him, “you don’t have to say anything about it now. Just sit on it and keep it in mind…”

            Coming back to himself, Cas glances up. Dean keeps his gaze on Cas, on the verge of a breakdown. “What, Cas?” he whispers, “What do I need to say? We’ve lost so many I… I can’t…” His hand shakes uncontrollably.

            Cas finds himself acting without thought again. He reaches over for Dean’s hand, holding it in his own. “Dean, I… you don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to do anything but be… _here_.” His voice breaks, and he laughs. “You shouldn’t be trying to comfort me, Dean it should be the other way around. All I want to do is comfort _you_ , to take on the burdens so you don’t have to. Shield you away from all the pain and solve your problems. That’s what I… what I’ve always wanted. Why I do what I do. Every mistake is just me trying to be someone who _deserves_ to have you as my…” He trails off, unsure of how to finish.

            Dean starts to talk again. “Cas, I don’t need you to be any of that. I never did.”

            “Then what do you need of me?”

            “I just need _you_ , man,” Dean sighs, “I need you…”

            “ _They need you. He needs you._ ”

            Cas smiles and squeezes Dean’s hand. “Then know I will be here. And nothing will tear me from your side.”

            Dean chokes on a sob, smiling. “You better not break your promise.”

            “I won’t.” Cas’s thumb strokes against his skin like a blade against flint, sparks flying in its wake. “So… what would you have me do now?”

            “Honestly?” Dean sighs, sagging onto the table, “ _This_.” His head slumps onto the table, eyes fluttering shut. Cas watches as Dean’s breathing evens out and his hunter fades into unconsciousness.

            He stays right there, waiting where he’s meant to be – beside Dean.

**Author's Note:**

> What'd you think? Let me know! Drop a kudos and/or a comment!


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